


Out of the Old

by inzayndigo



Category: High School Musical (Movies), High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Alternative universe - basically a clash of the HSM movies and the HSMTMTS show, Angst, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Depression, F/M, Healing, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Sad Ricky Bowen (HSM: The Series), Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:14:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24108823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inzayndigo/pseuds/inzayndigo
Summary: "Albuquerque was a good idea, he thought. It gave him a new beginning but not too new that it left him feeling lost or anxious."Ricky has recently moved to Albuquerque with his family following a series of incidents that have caused him endless pain. He’s ready for a fresh start in a quieter city. Follow Ricky’s journey as he finds friends, love and himself.TW: Please read all tags before you read this story.
Relationships: Ricky Bowen & Nini Salazar-Roberts, Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts, Troy Bolton/Gabriella Montez
Comments: 20
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do not hate me if you're a HSMTMTS fan. I know at times the HSM/HSMTMTS clash will be cringe but this story has been with me (mostly in my head) for over 12 years. Initially the main character was completely original but I think Ricky fits perfectly (for reasons hopefully you'll be able to see too!)

Ricky packed the final things in his backpack – his journal, a bottle of water and a pen. He also double checked his phone and wallet were in his pockets before making his way to the front door. He grabbed his guitar and skateboard that were against the wall. He was last one out, his Mum, Dad and sister waiting for him at the front porch. He turned around and took one last look at the house. It was still full of all the things that they did not think they needed to take to Albuquerque – basically everything. The house looked like it was still full of life.

He knew that was not true though. The house was deceitful – it looked homely, looked inviting, looked like a place of happy memories. And of course, there were some happy memories. Maybe even many more happy memories than not so happy memories. But the crushing weight of the not so happy memories consumed him.

Ricky was leaving with a million different thoughts, feelings, and memories coursing through his body. The overwhelming feeling weighing him down was anxiety – he felt it almost constantly. But he was hoping this move would be better for him. It was his idea after all. He was grateful his parents were ready to give up so much, so quickly for his sake. A new start meant he could leave all the old stuff behind. At least enough to finally find a bit of happiness. Or peace. If happiness was too much to ask for then all he hoped for was a little peace.

Ricky felt his Dad’s hand on his arm. He turned around.

“Let’s go, Rick?” Troy asked. Ricky only nodded. Giving the house a final look inside before he closed the door. He followed his family into the car that was waiting for them and loaded everything into the back. He chose a window seat as usual – it helped having the windows down when he felt hot. And even when he didn’t have them down it helped him feeling less confined looking at the world go by.

Ricky watched as they weaved through the familiar LA streets. The houses around here were much like his own. Big and expensive. He couldn’t help wondering if they were deceitful too or if they were happier than the one he was leaving behind. He hoped they were.

As they drove away from the residential homes to the heart of the city, Ricky let out a sigh. He was relieved to be leaving behind the rustling, buzzing life of LA. The trees in LA were much like the buildings. Tall and daunting. To others it might have reflected the dreams and aspirations this city was capable of fulfilling – everything was reaching for the sky. But to Ricky it just made him feel small. Like a speck among the 4 million or so other people – irrelevant and invisible. He turned back to look at the mountains that he used to love. They were once beautiful to him but had recently become just as daunting as the rest of LA. They kind of looked like a wall or gate protecting the city. _They did a poor job protecting me_ , Ricky thought.

The people in LA were always busy being anywhere and everywhere but in the moment. He saw that a lot in his parents too. He tried not to blame them for what happened but deep down he knew that if his Dad was not who he was things might’ve been easier – or not happened at all. The rational side was telling him that having the Dad he had made healing easier – access to mental health professionals, the ability to leave everything behind so quickly, having another house to escape to. He tried not to dwell on the ifs and buts about his life because he knew it was no good for him – it was what it was. 

Albuquerque was a good idea, he thought. It gave him a new beginning but not too new that it left him feeling lost or anxious. He had his grandparents there and his best friend. He spent every holiday and summer there. It was a place of happy memories only. This had to be a good move. Albuquerque was quiet and mellow, not like LA. Things were all lower down and maybe that made it a place where he could learn to be grounded rather than constantly feeling pushed to reach for dreams.

 _Yes_ , Ricky thought, _this is going to be good._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so Ricky is Troy and Gabriella's son lol. Like I said, please don't hate me. If you can get past this cringe-y detail I promise to make the rest worth your while.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Recount of sexual abuse - although not explicit it can still be quite jarring.

Settling into Albuquerque had not been too troublesome. They had arrived a few days before Thanksgiving. It was a nice time to arrive because that’s when they were always in Albuquerque anyway. Ricky thought it was nice to see his grandparents and his cousins for a bit. He spent a lot of his time leading up to school opening in his room and every now and then with Tony.

His room was his safe haven, even before the move. It had all the good parts of him much like his room in LA but without all the bad memories. A poster of the Dark Night hung over his dresser and a few action figures scattered the room. On one wall his parents had helped him set up a feature of all the parts of him that had migrated here with him. There were shelves with the awards and trophies he had gotten over the years. There was also a neat place for him to hang his guitar and one to hang his skateboard. Ricky often caught himself staring at that wall when he felt down.

Ricky had tried to get out of his room more, but the house was so _full_. The house was only slightly smaller than the house in LA and still big enough to easily accommodate everyone in it. But Ricky always felt so trapped. He knew having two extra people living with him was difficult. He loved his grandparents, but they had started treating him a lot differently ever since they had found out what happened. They were always asking him if he was okay and if he wanted anything. His grandma was always making him food that he really did not have the appetite to eat. He felt bad for being agitated by it because he knew they cared about him. But when they obviously treated him differently to his sister, he couldn’t help feeling like it was just pity.

Steph had told him she had heard their Mum and Dad talking about finding a new place for his grandparents. He felt bad for basically kicking them out of their house, but he knew that once they weren’t around as much he’d be able to settle in better.

“They were talking about how maybe its better for you if you’re around more familiar people…?” Steph had said, she had phrased it as a question though, unsure whether Ricky even felt that way.

“I don’t know. I don’t understand.” When Steph asked what he didn’t understand Ricky let out an exasperated sigh. He leaned in to look at Steph then, try and really be there in the moment when he finally confided in the first person since the move. “It’s like I want to completely start over. Forget everything and find myself. But then anything slightly different puts me off. I don’t know,” Ricky said shaking his head frustratedly, “maybe it’s just the way they _talk_ to me. I can’t help feeling bad though…”

“Dad thinks it might be good for them too. They have been living alone for a while too. Besides, they’re probably still coming to terms with what’s happened.”

***

Meeting Tony for the first time was the hardest. This was a friend he knew he had to confront. Ricky had left LA without giving any of his friends a heads-up – he figured the news would be enough to tell them why he had left. He knew it was selfish to not even send a single text message, especially to his best friends Daniel and Beck, but he couldn’t do it. He thought maybe he would reach out to them once he had settled into Albuquerque properly. But for now, he hoped the memories they had of him from Basketball and the skateboard park and all the laughs were enough to drown out the headlines and the inevitable whispers at school.

Ricky had asked to meet Tony at the skate park down the road. They spent a lot of summers there even though Tony wasn’t much of a skater himself. He always got his board out when Ricky was in town to learn a few tricks from him. Tony had enveloped Ricky in a hug when they met. They didn’t hug often so it felt a little odd but still safe. When they pulled away Tony said “I am so glad you’ve moved here. Summers and the holidays just weren’t enough.” Ricky smiled at the sincerity in his voice. Surprised that the first thing that was said to him was not another “are you okay?” or “do you want to talk about it?” He was glad too, despite the circumstances. If there was anywhere he had to move to, he was glad it was here.

“I remember seeing a video of you doing a frontside 180 over a trash can. Teach me how to do that!”

Ricky only laughed. “Bro, last time I was here you couldn’t even do a shuvit without tripping over. Have to perfect that first.”

“Okay but just remember if I hurt myself my Dad is going to be super pissed off with you,” Tony warned. “I am his star player after all.” He had a cocky grin on his face that was inviting the shove Ricky gave him.

“Not for long, Captain.”

***

Tony and Ricky headed over to their favourite burger joint after an hour of skateboarding and shooting hoops. There was something about sitting face to face on a table, even when surrounded by good food, that completely changed the mood. Ricky knew as soon as they sat down that Tony would be asking about everything. He saw the way Tony tensed up a little and the awkward silences that stretched between them whilst they ate. 

Finally, once they were almost finished eating, Tony leaned forward and said, “Ricky, I have to ask –”

“I don’t want to talk about it, man,” Ricky cut him off with a shake of his head.

Tony let out a defeated sigh but said okay. He settled back into his seat, looking at Ricky and not saying anything.

“Stop that,” Ricky said.

“Stop what?”

“ _That_. Stop looking at me like you feel sorry for me.”

“I just care about you, Rick. You know that. If I’d known –”

“I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want anyone to know,” Ricky leaned back into his chair with his arms crossed, “and now everyone does” he looked away as he started to feel the tears gathering in his eyes. “Besides there was nothing you could do anyways.”

The silence still stretched between them. Tony didn’t know what to say because he didn’t want to upset Ricky. He also didn’t want to talk about something random because there was clearly something else on both their minds. Ricky was becoming more and more agitated as the seconds went by. He went back to eating some of his fries, even though he lost his appetite. It gave him something to do other than stare at Tony’s face.

When Ricky was done occupying himself with that, he looked up at Tony again. The concern on Tony’s face hadn’t gone away. He felt like socking him. He thought about Daniel and Beck and how he hadn’t told them anything either. But he knew that was different – he left LA and he left them behind too. Tony was right here with him. He was meant to help him get used to life in Albuquerque and at East High.

“Okay,” he said after letting out a drawn-out sigh. “I’ll tell you but there’s a few conditions.”

“Anything,” Tony replied quickly.

“One. I’ll tell you now, but you have to promise to not bring it up again. At least, not out of the blue. We only speak of it if I bring it up or I don’t know, something happens.”

When Tony agreed, he continued, “Two. If you need someone to talk to it’s not me. Confide in someone else. Preferably a counsellor or your parents or something. But not me.”

When Tony nodded Ricky explained “I am only telling you this because I want the chance to tell you myself. Not have you rely on the headlines like everyone else.”

Ricky told him then about the sexual abuse that went on for over two years by one of the nannies they had. He had been looking after Ricky and Steph since they were babies, often staying the night when his parents were away or at some award show. Ricky hadn’t told anyone, not even Steph. But he made sure she was never left alone with him. Once everything did come out, he was relieved to know he never did anything to her.

The first time it had happened was when he was 11. The last when he was 14. It came to an end when he accidentally left behind a polaroid of Ricky that one of the maids had found and passed on to his Dad. There was a lot of questioning then, lots of crying too and when Ricky told his parents everything that had been going on, his Dad got the police involved. Ricky didn’t want to get the police involved initially. Not until his Dad explained that they needed to find out if there were any more pictures – of him or any other minors.

The police found a stash of child pornography on his computer including several pictures of Ricky. Many of them taken when he was unconscious – either when he was drugged or asleep. His parents took him and Steph out of school then and his Mum quit her job to home school them. There was a lot of therapy – probably still will be, Ricky clarified. He was still able to see his friends though, made some bogus story about switching schools. Then there was also a trial, and Ricky was given name suppression. It was hard but he was coping. He had his parents and Steph and he was still able to talk to his friends, occasionally see them too. But then just as the trial was coming to an end and sentencing was approaching, the media posted an article about how the victim was Troy Bolton’s son.

“Defeats the purpose of name suppression,” Ricky said through a sarcastic chuckle.

“Anyway, we decided to move to Albuquerque pretty quickly after that. Well, I asked for it. There’s a lawsuit going on now – Dad’s suing the media outlets that posted. Think there’s some contempt of court charges as well. Steph and I have taken my Grandma’s maiden name and we start East High after New Years. Any questions?” the last two words were delivered in typical Ricky fashion, far too cheerful than what is probably appropriate.

Definitely a defence mechanism, Tony thought. He just stared at him for a few seconds, taking it all in. He had read some of the articles when the story broke. Obviously no where near as detailed as this.

“Yeah, why East High?” he said after a moment.

Ricky gave him a confused look. “Seriously dude, that’s your question?”

“Oh, trust me I have plenty of questions. Don’t know if they’re all appropriate to ask. Just answer this one. Why not Albuquerque Prep or Sandia Academy or something?”

Ricky shrugged. “Well, you're there. And your Dad. Also, East High is a bigger school. More people mean less attention. I also like the idea of being at a school where no one is going to try work out what my parents do that means they can afford to send me there. People at private schools do that all the time,” he laughed. “You know _my_ Dad, he owns – like shut up. No one cares.”

Tony laughed too. He leaned in closer then, with a playful look in his eye “Friends with Tony Danforth? Phenomenal basketball skills? A face like that? I hate to break it to you dude, but switching your surname to Bowen is not going to stop you from getting attention at East High.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cringe-y HSM/HSMTMTS detail 2: Tony is Chad's son? Oops.
> 
> Secondly - I'm not American. I do not know much about the legal system in America but I mean it is a fanfic thing so I hope you can overlook those details. Also, does it snow in Albuquerque? Are Tony and Ricky likely to end up with broken bones because they slipped on ice? Idk, educate me. 
> 
> I feel a little bit like I have dumped the whole backstory about why Ricky has had to move but my rational for doing so is that if we get it out of the way early on we don't have to come back to it in as much detail - and therefore less triggering for everyone? I hope? 
> 
> Finally - do we want to see Ricky/Nini in this fic or do we want to see Ricky/Original Female Character in this fic?


	3. Chapter 3

Ricky learnt quite quickly that Tony wasn’t joking. Turns out showing up to a new school in the middle of the school year really does catch people’s attention. Oh, and being Tony’s friend? That definitely elevates the attention.

Basketball was a really big deal at the school and so it only follows that Tony was a pretty big deal too given he was Co-Captain alongside a Senior named Lane. Tony was greeted by so many people throughout the day. A lot of them were girls but that was not surprising. He was good looking, and he knew it. Coupled with his natural charisma and wit, he got a lot of attention. Ricky had heard countless stories about the girls he had dated or hooked up with over the years.

Up until lunchtime Ricky and Tony had all the same classes – Science, Math, English and PE. They had just come out of the gym and were going to stop at their lockers before heading outside to eat. 

“Well if it isn’t Tony Danforth,” a teasing voice called behind them. Ricky couldn’t help but internally groan. _Not again._ He kept himself busy swapping some of his books whilst Tony greeted whatever girl had come up to talk to him now.

“Rumour has it your friend just started at East High and he’s cute,” Ricky heard her say. Ricky felt himself tense up, keeping his back to them. Tony only laughed and pulled him to his side.

“Yeah, this is my friend Ricky. Ricky this is the one and only Gina Porter.” Ricky recognised her as soon as he had turned around. Tony and Gina had dated for a few months last year and he had seen a couple of pictures of them, but since it didn’t last until summer, Ricky didn’t get the chance to meet her. He flashed her a smile and said hi. 

“Guess the whispers in the locker room during gym class were no lies,” she continued in her teasing tone. The way she checked him out was so blatantly obvious, it kind of made him want to laugh. She was confident though and Ricky liked that.

 _Not too bad yourself,_ Ricky thought. Gina was gorgeous. She was only slightly shorter than him. The cropped sweatshirt she wore with her tight skinny jeans made her legs look never-ending. He didn’t say anything though, just gave her a timid smile. She smiled back, stepping closer. Tony took one look between them and made up an excuse about going to grab something from his locker. _What an ass._

“So Ricky, how’s your first day been so far?”

“It’s been okay. Good to have Tony around. Day’s been a bit long…” They continued to engage in small talk, Ricky feeling super awkward that Tony had ditched him like this.

“Well if you need anyone to show you around East High or even Albuquerque let me know,” Gina was saying when he saw Steph with a group of girls walking down the hall. Steph was friends with Tony’s cousin, Hannah so she also had someone to help her settle in. 

Steph made a beeline for Ricky when she saw him.

“This place is _huge_ ,” she said with wide eyes. She was definitely the louder and more animated of the siblings. “I’ve gotten lost so many times!”

Gina raised an eyebrow at the intrusion but pressed a small smile. “Oh, another new face. And who might you be?”

Steph turned around and looked at Gina. She knew who Gina was. She was always picking on Hannah and her friends. She didn’t say anything, so Ricky stepped in.

“Uh, this is Steph, my sister.”

“Good genes run in the family then,” Gina said with a smile. Ricky noticed Steph’s demeanour change from her friendly, bubbly self to more apprehensive. Ricky made a note to ask her what she knew about Gina that he didn’t know.

“Welcome to East High,” she said when Steph did not reply. Hannah and her two friends had come up to them now too. “Seems like you have had a bit of a welcome already. Clearly not a very good one though,” Gina continued. “ _That_ ,” she said, shooting a look over at Hannah and her friends, “is _not_ the crowd you want to hang out with. You see Hannah would be a complete loser if she weren’t Tony’s cousin.”

_Oh, that’s why she doesn’t like her._

Gina was talking to Steph like she was letting her in on a secret, doing her favour even. Her tone was sickly sweet, but her words were mean.

“They’re all Drama Dorks which would be kind of cute if they were actually talented.”

“Let’s go Steph, she’s not even worth it,” one of Hannah’s friend said reaching over for Steph’s arm. She stopped when Gina kept talking.

“Oh my god, how could I forget? Nini is talented, aren’t you Nini?” she directed her question to the girl that had reached for Steph. Gina looked at Ricky then, her eyes wide. “She played a tree in the last production. Isn’t that cute?” she pouted.

“I really don’t care about what you have to say, Gina,” Steph finally spoke up.

Ricky closed his locker shut. He placed a hand on Steph's arm and gently pushed her towards Hannah and her friends. “Let’s go,” he mumbled, shaking his head. _Girls are_ so _complicated._

“God she’s such a bitch!” the other friend said as they walked away. Ricky followed behind the girls, grabbing Tony from his locker on their way out.

“So… What do you think of Gina?” he was grinning. Ricky looked at him. _Damn he really doesn’t know?_ _Or maybe he just doesn't care?_ He decided not to say anything about Gina being rude to Steph and Hannah until he had spoken to Steph about it.

“Not really my type,” he shrugged. “Also don’t ever do that again, I will kill you. It’s my first day. I kind of have a lot going on and I am not interested in chatting up some random girl.”

“Okay one. She is _not_ some random girl. That’s Gina. She’s on the cheerleading team and probably the most flexible girl you will ever see –

“I know who she is, Tony. Longest relationship you’ve had. I’ve seen all the pictures of you with your tongue down her throat,” Ricky interrupted.

“Woah,” Tony said. “Hope that is not what’s stopping you. We weren’t married or anything. I don’t mind sharing,” he said teasingly. Ricky gave him a shove, “you’re disgusting,” he muttered, Tony only laughed.

“Besides I didn’t do it so that anything would come out of it. But _boy_ was she into you. Just thought it’d be fun to entertain it a little.”

“I’m not entertaining anything, man,” Ricky said firmly.

“Whatever, Bro. Day one and you’ve made it into the girls’ locker room conversations _and_ caught Gina’s attention. My man!”

Ricky just rolled his eyes at him. _Idiot._

The boys followed behind Hannah and Steph to a table outside. There were a few people already there including EJ who also played basketball. Ricky had met him a handful of times over summers. He was generally fine to hang out with, but Ricky couldn’t help finding him a little self-obsessed. A quick scroll through his Instagram feed would confirm that for you. Yeah, he was good looking, but unlike Tony, he was not so cool about it. Ricky swears he had caught the guy checking out his reflection more than once.

Ricky got to know that the other girl with Steph was Kourtney. The one that had called Gina a bitch. She was hilarious and Ricky had instantly taken a liking to her. Then there was Ashlyn who was EJ’s cousin and the small redhead with her was her boyfriend, “Big Red.” Ricky had so many questions about his name but didn’t say anything. At the table, Ricky was sitting between Tony and Nini but he was not saying anything, just listening and observing. Everyone seemed nice but they obviously all knew each other quite well. He kind of felt like he was intruding a little and wondered if Steph felt that way too. She was always more confident and bubblier than him, so he was not so sure. He looked over at her and saw her having a full-on conversation with Ashlyn who she had just met. _Guess not._

He missed Daniel and Beck. They never really sat around in big groups; it was just them. They also didn’t talk so much. Lunchtimes were usually spent shooting hoops or skateboarding.

Everyone at the table had started talking about the Musical coming up, encouraging Nini to go for the lead role. She did not sound like she was keen and Ricky hoped it wasn’t because of the stuff Gina had said.

“I’m going to go for the male lead,” EJ said. Ricky raised his eyebrows, impressed. He did not see that coming.

“You should audition for a part too, Ricky” Steph chimed in. Ricky only glared at her. 

“Oh _come on_ , you’ve always loved theatre.” It was true. Ricky did a lot of school productions growing up, but he hadn’t done anything for years.

The attention had been redirected from Nini and EJ to Ricky. Everyone was telling him to audition whilst Steph and Tony went on about how he plays the guitar and writes songs too. He could kill them both, he thought. Ricky told them he just really wanted to focus on settling in. He was also going to be joining the Basketball team, so he didn’t know if he had the time.

Once they started talking about the new Drama teacher, Ricky went back to observing the things around him. He noticed a skateboard attached to Big Red’s bag and couldn’t help but get overly excited. He didn’t bring his skateboard to school because they lived further away than they did from school in LA. He and Steph would be driving in now.

Lots of skaters didn’t like sharing their board, but Ricky couldn’t help but ask Big Red if he could have a go on it.

“Yeah, Dude, but only if you can skate and won’t break it. Oh, also you have to wear my helmet,” he said with a big grin.

Tony laughed. “Oh, he can skate, trust me.”

Ricky grinned, getting up from the table. He used to skate to and from school in LA and even spend his lunch break skating around campus. He was always getting told off for it at his old school but he hoped it wouldn’t be an issue here. Ricky hadn’t really had the chance to skate since the time at the skate park with Tony.

Ricky put one leg on the board and instantly felt in his element. Both skating and playing basketball always calmed him. He would get so caught up in it nothing else would really matter. He started slowly skating across the pavement, getting comfortable on a new board. Once he was comfortable, he started doing a few ollies and heelflips. He could hear the group getting excited, especially Big Red. He loved that feeling of freedom skateboarding always gave him. Loved the way the cold winter air was hitting against his face. He couldn’t deny that the cheers made him feel good too. Although Ricky didn’t like showing off or even attention generally, he did like it when people appreciated the things about him that he appreciated about himself. There weren’t many things, but skateboarding was one of them. Ricky ended with a frontside 180, the movement of his shoulders guiding the flip.

When he got back to the table Big Red was grinning from ear to ear, probably looking a lot like Ricky's own face. “That felt so good, Bro. Thank you!” Ricky said, handing back the skateboard.

“Any time, Dude. We should go to the skateboard park together!”

“Definitely,” Ricky replied, getting back into his seat between Tony and Nini. As he was climbing in his thigh accidentally brushed against Nini’s.

“Oops, sorry,” Nini said, sounding flustered as she quickly moved over to give him space. 

“You’re good, you’re good,” he reassured her. He looked over at her with a smile. Nini stared back at him with a slight blush coating her cheeks.

Ricky looked away, smiling to himself. _Oh, she’s blushing. Cute._

***

Things went a little downhill after lunch when he didn’t have Tony by his side. The classrooms seemed a lot bigger and he definitely noticed the people staring at him. He was just a new student but you’d think he had a second head or something. He tried to focus on what the teacher was saying and not too much on the world around him, praying the rest of the day would go by quickly. 

His History teacher, Mrs Hartley, was adamant she called him “Richard.” When he told her he preferred “Ricky,” she said she didn’t use nicknames in class, only legal names. That pissed him off. He didn’t even identify with the name Richard. For the rest of the lesson, he was annoyed that his parents had called him that. 

His next class was French. By then he was incredibly tired. He had all 7 classes on Mondays and was already worried about how he would get through the rest of the Mondays in the year. Ms Caron was soft-spoken and monotone, which made it even harder to concentrate. But at least she called him Ricky.

Ricky’s final class was his elective, Creative Writing. He was so grateful when he saw Nini. _Finally, a familiar face_. She smiled at him from across the room so he made his way over to her. 

“So, how have your classes been?” she asked. He noticed she was blushing again. _Maybe it's just makeup,_ he thought.

“Pretty lame without Tony to be honest. My History teacher won’t call me Ricky because it isn’t my “legal name” so now I am stuck hearing her call me “Richard” for the rest of the year.”

“That sucks,” she laughed. “You don’t really look like a Richard anyway. Ricky suits you more.”

“Because I am not 50...?”

“Well… yeah,” she giggled, the colour in her cheeks deepening. _Okay, not the makeup._

“Come on, Nini? That must be a nickname too.”

“Oh yeah,” she nodded. “My legal name is Nina.”

“Yeah... Nina is definitely better than Richard. No fair,” he huffed, making Nini laugh again.

Ricky couldn't stop himself from thinking that was a sound he could get used to. Lucky for him Nini looked like she laughed a lot. 

***

"Why were you talking to that Gina girl today?" Steph asked Ricky on the way home. 

"Apparently the girls' locker room thinks I am good looking and she just had to come to see for herself," Ricky said in a dramatic voice. 

"Oh yeah... I was there. She's in my gym class. It was a little bit awkward because some of the girls were talking about you and they didn't know I was your sister. Well, one person in particular..."

"Oh yeah? Who?" 

"I can't tell..."

"What? Why?" 

"I promised I wouldn't tell you when she found out I was your sister."

"Wow, I see where your loyalties lie," Ricky responded with a chuckle.

"Well I like her and I want to be her friend. Telling you after she told me not to tell you would make her not want to be friends with me," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "I know you'll just be inheriting a bunch of friends because you're friends with Tony and can play basketball, but it's not so easy for the rest of us."

"You have like 3 friends, Steph, so you've narrowed it down. Hannah knows I'm your brother. Who's left? Nini? Kourtney?"

"Piss off. I said want to be her friend so that doesn't mean it has to be one of them," she responded. Ricky only laughed. "So... back to the topic of Gina. Do you like her?" Steph asked.

"No, of course not. I was there during lunch when she was talking to you like that..." 

"Okay good. She's a bitch," Steph said as she looked outside the window. "She's been picking on Nini since elementary school, and anyone who becomes friends with her. Hannah's told me about her before."

"Tony and her dated for a bit last year, though. He never mentioned anything about her being like that."

"Oh, Tony doesn't really know the things she's done. Don't tell him."

***

Tryouts for the basketball team were on Friday after school and Ricky had been training all week with his Dad. Troy had played for the Clippers for 3 years straight after college and then for the Lakers for almost 2 years. He had to give up on that dream when he injured his knee. He was cut up about it at the time but then pursued an acting career, his first role in the musical romantic comedy, _Hairspray._

Ricky had gotten much better at basketball over the last few years. It gave him an escape, something he had really needed when the trial and all were going on. Everyone had been really impressed by him and Ricky was pretty confident he would be getting a spot on the team. The coach was Tony's dad and Troy's best friend, Chad - there was even a picture of them together in Chad's office.

Ricky's family had been invited to dinner at the Danforth's house later that night and Chad kept praising how well Ricky had played. Ricky was beaming. He had worked hard to play as well as he did, starting when he was 5 years old. The dinner was good. The families were close as they'd spend a lot of time together whenever they were in Albuquerque. Tony's mum was Italian and the food she made was always delicious. She always made her own pasta too. Once they had finished eating dinner, Tony, Ricky and Steph went into the basement to play video games. 

Chad grabbed two cans of beer and made his way to the balcony with Troy. Troy smiled as he took in the city from the balcony. 

"Good to be home?" Chad asked as he took a seat, looking at the smile on Troy's face. 

"Yeah man, always," he nodded. "I mean it's been hard and the circumstances that have led to us being here really suck. But Albuquerque will always be home."

"How's Ricky been? With the move and all?"

"He's been okay. I think he likes the fresh start. He's got Tony and Steph at school so I am sure that is making things easier for him. You're there too, so you better be keeping an on eye on him too," Troy let out a light chuckle. 

"I think he's settling in quite well. The boys were really impressed by him at the tryouts today. With the way he's playing he could really follow in your footsteps."

Troy laughed. "Yeah, definitely. I don't think he's too keen on following in my footsteps though. Yeah, he's good at basketball but he's also a lot like Gabriella. I think he wants to be a lawyer like her too. He's looking into Stanford and he's told me Tony is too?"

"Oh yeah, Tony is definitely a much smarter kid than me," Chad grinned. "I think it's good, gives him options," his smile had fallen away. "I wish I'd known to do the same when I was his age - have options I mean. Study more too." Troy didn't say anything - knew Chad wouldn't want him to. It was just a confession between them that was meant to get lost in the cold evening air. So they sat in comfortable silence as they looked into the city.

"When we were in Senior Year and you decided to leave Albuquerque to move to California I was really upset at the time. But you did well. It's hard to achieve those kinds of dreams from a place like this."

"I don't know man. If I hadn't been too busy pursuing my own dreams maybe I would have been present enough in my son's life to realise something was wrong..." Troy mumbled quietly. 

"Don't say that Tro-"

"It's true though. It went on for _two years_ and I was oblivious to it," Troy interrupted. "I don't know, maybe if I'd been in Albuquerque none of this would have even happened. I left that fucker alone with my kids whilst I was busy parading around Hollywood. I gave him that opportunity," Troy said, the hurt clearly laced through his words. 

"No, you trusted him. _He_ is to blame for what he did, not you. Ricky doesn't blame you," Chad said gently. 

"Yeah? And how do we know that?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to do some research on the American school system (no. of periods, classes that you take etc) and I just ended up confusing myself. So complicated lol.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sad to see everything happening in America right now. I hope everyone is safe and well and looking out for each other #BlackLivesMatter
> 
> TW: recount of sexual abuse; anxiety
> 
> Just a chapter mostly about Ricky feeling sad or recounting feeling sad because when I am down Ricky is down.

Ricky’s grandparents had moved out the weekend before school began. He thought this would mean it would be easier for him to leave his room, especially when he was not feeling his best. But here he was on Saturday afternoon finding it difficult to do so. Ricky often distracted himself with homework. It was part of the reason he always did so well at school. Today, that wasn’t working either. Ricky had attempted to study to keep himself distracted but instead he just kept getting lost in his head, causing him spiral into a series of negative thoughts.

It started off with the thought of Daniel and Beck. They’d been on his mind since last night when he was playing Fortnight in Tony’s basement. Videogames at Daniel’s house was tradition – it happened most weeks unless Ricky had to be home because his parents were out late. No videogames at Daniel’s usually correlated with bad memories. Of course, Ricky was always welcome to stay the night at Daniel’s when his parents were out late, but that meant Steph would be home alone with him and he couldn’t risk that. So, maybe that’s why videogames at Daniel’s were a little special – because those were the Friday nights he was safe, and he didn’t have to worry for himself or for Steph.

Ricky had just finished his first week at East High and things had been going pretty well. He had made several new friends (or as Steph would say, “inherited” friends). With his Mum’s help he had managed to catch up on most of his classes. Basketball try-outs had gone really well, especially if Coach Danforth’s praise at dinner the night before was anything to go by. So, you could say he was slowly starting settle in now to life in Albuquerque. That was a good thing – not a reason for him to be upset. But there was the nagging at the back of his mind telling him he still hadn’t messaged Daniel and Beck. He was able to justify it before school had begun that it was because he _hadn’t_ settled in just yet. But over the week the nagging got louder, and that justification got weaker.

The night the story had broken Ricky had a panic attack. Probably the worst one he’s ever had. He remembers crying so much his whole body was shaking. Remembers the way he was fighting to catch air, like someone had taken a hold on his neck and was crushing his airway. There were attempts by his parents to calm him down, but he could barely hear them over his own sobs. A sudden loss of control led Ricky to chucking his phone across the room – he tried to hold back and he did for a moment or two but then he couldn’t do it anymore, overwhelmed by the rush of anger coursing through him that he stopped trying and let go. His phone made a cracking sound as it hit against the tiles on the floor. He had felt the emotion leaving his body, along with all his energy. At this point he’d sunk down to the floor, still crying. When his Dad embraced him in his arms Ricky’s cries only grew louder, trying his best to muffle them in his Dad’s chest.

Later when Ricky had picked up his phone he saw the screen was smashed. He quickly turned it off and pulled out his SIM card so that no one could contact him. Everyone at his old school knew who his Dad was. Every relevant person in his life knew who his Dad was. So even though his name was not published, publishing his Dad’s name was enough. It made no sense to him how the media thought it was okay to do that. He was underage, a victim of sexual abuse and had been granted name suppression. It just made no sense. It had been almost two years since his parents had found out and the journey to get to where he was had been so painful. But it had been private. It had been something he had kept away from his friends – at one point this whole thing was something he had kept even from his family. But the media had come and made it public. In doing so they had left Ricky feeling like all the work he had put in to himself had been undermined. 

Ricky had asked to move out of LA quite soon after that night. He had told his parent he wanted to move the same day Beck and Daniel had come to his house because Ricky hadn’t been replying to them. His mum had explained to them he wasn’t in the right mindset to see any visitors but she would pass on that they had come by. They’d brought him a hamper full of chocolate, video games and peanut butter because Ricky had a random obsession with peanut butter. He had known the hamper would have been Beck's idea - always making them personalised gifts. Ricky hadn't been able to get himself to open it though. 

The thought of staying in LA and having to confront people he knew terrified him. Moving away from it all was an idea that had come to him when he was talking to his Psychologist, Brenda. They were sitting and discussing the best way to go forward following the publications. Ricky had grown to trust Brenda and even grown to like her somewhat, but that day he really felt like she was using some standardised textbook approach on him. Maybe she wasn’t – maybe she was giving good professional advice and Ricky only felt like it was not good enough.

They started by challenging his thoughts. She asked him what he was worried about and when he told her about everyone finding out what had happened to him, she asked why he was worried. He paused for a moment.

“because they’re going to treat me differently.”

“How do you know that?” Ricky knew what she was doing. He was used to her trying to challenge his thoughts. Trying to get to the crux of his worries and decide from there whether his concerns were rooted in reality or in his head. He thought this whole exercise did not make sense though. Not in this scenario. He just _knew_ that something like this going viral on the internet would cause people to treat him differently. 

But when Ricky paused to think about it all, he realised it did not matter. Even if it was the best-case scenario and his friends wouldn’t ask too many questions and people didn’t treat him too differently, it _did not matter._ Because that did not take away from the overwhelming feeling that _this was_ _just not fair._

“I-I just feel so… sm-small…” he’d whispered into the still room, “I almost feel like I’m nothing”

“Nothing, as in worthless?” Brenda had asked. Worthless being a word that Ricky often used to describe himself when things got bad.

“Nothing as in non-existent. It’s like every part of my life is taken away from me. This whole thing with the trial and the media and the trending is bigger than I am. It is like I have zero control over my life.” Ricky’s voice as small as he felt. He’d taken a pause, closing his eyes and trying to find the words to describe how he was feeling. Tried to explain how it felt like he wasn’t even the main character in his own story but an extra that stood there to fill up space in a scene. No lines, no meaningful contribution. It was either say it all now and hope Brenda could help him or stay up all night thinking about this sinking feeling in his chest.

“It feels like being chucked into a massive black hole. I-I feel like I’m just constantly falling. And I just keep falling and there’s no fucking end. I’m so tired of falling. I just want to hit rock bottom. At least then I’ll have my feet on the ground, I’d be stable. Sometimes I even think I have – that it really can’t get worse than this but then it does; it gets worse.”

Brenda had asked him what it was that he really wanted right now – something that he thought would make him feel not so small. He told her he wanted to feel like a person again. It meant being seen as Ricky Bolton, the kid who liked to skateboard and play basketball and videogames. Ricky Bolton that sometimes wrote poems that sometimes turned into songs.

“Sometimes I wish I could change my name, move to another city and start over. Somewhere no one knew who I was so I could focus on being the version of me I want to be and not my dad’s son or the guy that was abused or any of that,” Ricky had said, chuckling at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. “At least I wouldn’t have to face any of the people in LA.”

When Ricky had come home that day, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He knew it was a _dumb_ idea but still… a move would be nice. Somewhere away from the intrusiveness of the media and the glimmering lights of Hollywood. Away from the people he was too scared to face like Daniel and Beck, or the neighbours or the people at the skatepark. Away from the bad memories…

Ricky had come home from seeing Brenda and had been sitting on the living room sofa when he was thinking about the idea of moving again. The final thought of bad memories reminded him that this was the same spot he was in when it happened for the first time. Steph had been sitting on the sofa across the room, watching Shrek 2. It was a cold night and he had a blanket over his lap. He had felt his hand on his lap and his eyes had widened, looking up at him.

“Don’t worry, Ricky,” he had whispered. “You’re okay, it’s okay,” his hand moving further up. Ricky froze. That’s what really fucks him up sometimes. Why did he not say anything? Why did he not push him away or yell or something? In that moment it had felt like he had lost control of his limbs. And then after that it was like he never got control back.

***

Ricky was lying in bed with the smashed phone in his hand. He was scared. That’s why he hadn’t messaged them. Scared about what they would say or think. Removing his SIM card meant that any text messages he would have received from them would all be lost now. He was relieved of course that he would not need to read them, but he still wondered what they may have said.

Ricky slipped in the SIM card and turned on the phone. The screen was broken, he had to press really hard to get the touch to respond, and there were flickering purple and green lines running across the screen. Although it was hard to see anything on the phone, Ricky’s heart still dropped when he saw his lock screen image. Him, Beck and Daniel at the skatepark. Beck had an arm around each of the boys’ shoulders as they hoisted her up, arms under her legs. The smile on his face was so bright and he couldn’t help wondering when was the last time he had smiled like that. Even with all the stuff going on, he would find temporary happiness in their presence. At the time he hated the way the happiness never lasted when he went home, but now he longed for those moments because it was better than carrying this constant emptiness.

Ricky opened the chat with Beck and Daniel. He sighed, thinking long and hard about what it was he wanted to say. He attempted the message a few times – all long winded and apologetic and giving too much detail. In the end he messaged:

“Hey guys. It’s Ricky. I’ve left LA. I love you both and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for leaving so abruptly. I won’t be using this number anymore so please don’t try contacting me.”

As soon as he saw the ticks saying the message had been delivered, Ricky turned off the phone and took his SIM card out. He snapped the SIM card, chucked it in the bin and made his way out of his room because it had started feeling like the walls were creeping up on him, making it hard to breathe.

***

On Monday Ricky tried to push Daniel and Beck out of his mind and focus on the people around him at East High instead. Coach Danforth had released the list of those who had made it onto the basketball team and at lunch time everyone was congratulating him.

After another long Monday he was grateful to make it to his final class. He walked in, saw Nini and took a seat next to her. He hadn’t really seen much of her outside of class since most lunches he sat with Tony and his basketball mates instead of with Steph. There were still a few minutes until class began. Nini turned to him and asked how his weekend had been. Ricky consciously made sure he didn’t wince at the thought of his weekend as he lied through his teeth about it being good and chill. She then asked why he’d chosen to take this class. 

Ricky paused for a moment and then said, “I like to explore different avenues to express myself.” He pointed to his head, “there’s a lot going on in here,” he said with a cheeky grin and a teasing tone. He shrugged then, “Good writing is also important for college. And you?”

“Similar reasons,” she smiled. “So…” she started, making Ricky raise an eyebrow at the hesitance in her voice. “Are you considering auditioning for the school musical then?”

Ricky let out a small laugh, “So I know Steph made it sound like I am really into theatre and stuff but that was when I was a kid. I did like two productions in elementary school and she’s making it sound like I was on Broadway or something. It’s just not really my thing…” 

Nini nodded, telling him she understood. She looked a little sad but Ricky brushed it off. “Have you decided to audition for the lead then?” he asked.

“I’ll audition but probably not for the lead. Gina’s basically played the lead role in all the school productions. Ever since elementary school. I can’t compete with that,” she mumbled, sounding even sadder than before.

“You shouldn’t let that stop you,” Ricky tried.

“It’s only going to give her another reason to pick on me, so I’d rather not,” she shrugged. “Anyway,” she continued, her tone changing suddenly from sad and defeated to cheerful. “I don’t know if you have had the chance to look at the course outline yet, but the next assessment for this class is to write a poem or song. We will be working in pairs for feedback and critiquing but will be producing our own pieces. I was wondering… if you’d be keen to work together?” Nini asked, her voice becoming more hesitant as she talked.

“I don’t know if you’ve realised Nini, but I kind of don’t know anyone else in this class. So I would have been really offended if you ditched me to work with someone else,” Ricky laughed.

***

On Wednesday after school Ricky and Nini had decided to go to the music department to work on their assignment. Ricky was still at the writing stage of his piece but Nini had a song she had been working on for a while that she wanted to finish off.

“If it’s any good, I might use it to audition for the musical on Friday,” she had said.

Ricky took a seat next to her at the piano, his leg brushing against hers. She didn't move away this time. 

“I am kind of nervous now,” she laughed, her face pink again.

“Think of it this way. You push through and sing the song for me today and then you will be sorted for Friday’s audition,” Ricky offered. “I believe in you.”

“You have never heard me sing, what if this whole song is awful?”

“I’ll tell you and that will save you from finding out on Friday,” he responded with a cheeky grin. “Something tells me it won’t be awful though,” he added, more sincerely.

Nini placed her hands on the keys and took a deep breath to calm herself, closing her eyes for a moment. She began to sing into the mostly empty room, starting off softly but gaining confidence as she went along.

_Seems like a part of me will always have to lose  
Every single time I have to choose  
Swore that it felt right, but was I wrong?  
Is this where I'm supposed to be at all?  
I don't have the answers, not today  
It's like nothing makes the questions go away  
What I'd give to see  
If the grass was greener_

_On the other side of all I've had and lost  
Would it be enough?  
Or would I still be wondering?_

_If I could go back and change the past  
Be a little braver than I had  
And bet against the odds  
Would I still be lost?  
Even if I woke up in my dreams  
Would there still be something I'm missing?  
If I had everything  
Would it mean anything to me?_

Ricky was captivated by Nini’s voice. Her singing voice sounded similar to her talking voice and maybe that’s how Ricky had kind of always known she would be a good singer. But the control and range she had was unbelievable. Ricky was impressed by the lyrics too, the emotion lacing through the notes she hit.

“That was insane!” Ricky said when she finished, a grin on his face. “You’re telling me you sing like that and write like that, but won’t be auditioning for the lead?”

“I can make you a deal,” she said smiling mischievously. “I’ll audition for lead if you audition for a part?”

Ricky let out a little chuckle. He barely knew this girl. Yeah she could sing but what if she was a terrible actress? What if he auditioned and she freaked out and pulled out last minute? Ricky doesn’t know what got into him that made him reply with “I’ll think about it.” He knew he had to catch up on the curriculum at East High, that he would be busy with training for the basketball team and that he was still settling into life away from home, especially if the weekend was anything to go by. He thinks it might have been the way she sang or the words in her song, or the emotion behind every note. Or maybe it was because he’d thought about what she said about not being able to compete with Gina or the way Gina had mocked her about playing a tree on his first day.

“What? Really?” she asked surprised. 

“I’ll think about it,” he repeated, with a smile. “Like I said, I haven’t done this for a while.”

“Tell me about the drama department,” Ricky then urged. Nini told him about how most of the people he had met on his first day were involved in the last production, mostly for extra credits. She told him about some of the other “theatre dorks” as she had called them, and the new drama teacher that one of the other students, Carlos, had said was a “character.”

“You know,” Nini started, “Troy Bolton went to school here and was part of some of the musicals. Him and his wife, Gabriella Montez. You know,” she had started laughing a little, “Coach Danforth too! They were best friends apparently! ”

Ricky tried not to cringe at the obvious forced enthusiasm as he responded “What? No way!”

Nini only nodded. “There’s a photo in the hallway. I’ll show you sometime…” She paused for a moment, thinking. “Yeah it’s kind of crazy. He’s a bit of an inspiration for me. Just to know he went here and he’s made it so big, you know? From a place like this,” she said.

“Albuquerque doesn’t seem so bad,” Ricky said, chuckling to try and keep it light-hearted even though this whole conversation about his Dad who Nini did not know was his Dad was awkward for him and making him uncomfortable. “So… is Hollywood the goal? Like Troy Bolton?” he cringed on the inside as he referred to his Dad by his full name.

“I don’t really know. I wish. But those sorts of opportunities don’t really come my way,” she said softly, a hint of sadness creeping into her words. “I mean I guess I don’t go out to get them. I can’t even audition for the lead,” she paused only briefly before she asked him “and you? Surely music or basketball or something?”

Ricky let out a small laugh. “Nah, I want to study law. My mum is a lawyer. I guess follow in her footsteps.”

“Oh wow. What kind of law?”

“An attorney.”

“You want to put the bad guys behind bars?” she asked teasingly.

Ricky could not help the emotion lacing through his words as he replied, “yeah I do.”

***

On the way home that day Ricky couldn’t stop replaying the conversations with Nini in his head. He really did think she was super talented. She had one of the best voices he had heard on someone so young, if he was honest. But her love for the arts and Hollywood did not sit right with him. The more he thought about it, the more he regretted saying he would think about auditioning. It was, after all, the people who loved and consumed pop culture that the media was always trying to please. It was those people who made the news trend and spread like wildfire. And if Troy Bolton was her "inspiration" then of course she would know what had happened to Troy Bolton's son. Maybe moving to his Dad's high school was a bad idea. At least in LA people like Daniel and Beck had their own perceptions of him. The thought of Nini and the others finding out who he really was made him feel so nauseous Ricky had to stop the car on the side of the road to calm himself down. 

"They won't find out, they won't find out," Ricky was muttering to himself over and over again like a mantra. His voice was shaking almost as much as his hands. _Fo_ _r fucksake, what have I gotten myself into._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have to thank Youtube for suggesting the music video for Anyone Else by Joshua Bassett. Made me want to continue this.

When Ricky came home he couldn’t stop thinking about how Nini called his dad her “inspiration” and the way he freaked out on his way home at the thought of her figuring out who he really was. He tried to challenge his thoughts the way Brenda had taught him to when he began to overthink and get overwhelmed. Why did it even matter to him this much if Nini ever found out? 

Ricky thought back to all his reasons for moving to Albuquerque in the first place. To get to finally be his own person, to not be defined by who his father is or the abuse. Ricky decided maybe he needed some reminding of why he was really here. Ricky went upstairs to his room and sat at his desk. He pulled out his song writing notebook and flicked to the song he had been trying to perfect for his Creative Writing class. He had started writing it a long time ago, back when the thought of leaving LA had first been planted in his head. After a few failed attempts at trying to fix the lyrics Ricky reached for his guitar, deciding that singing the song and feeling the emotions from when he first started writing it would help him overcome the overbearing thoughts in his head.

Just the feeling of holding a guitar in his hand felt grounding. He didn’t have to think so hard about playing anymore, at least not after he learned how to play a song. It came to him the way speaking or writing came to him. And maybe that’s why it was grounding. A form of expressing himself. A form of clearing his head. A form of understanding himself and the world around him.

He started singing into his empty room, his voice started so quiet it was mostly drained out by the sound of his guitar. But as he went on his voice picked up, the emotions building up inside him driving him. 

_Feels like I'm not where I'm supposed to be  
I don't fit in with these familiar faces  
And the games they play don't mean a thing to me  
I know there's so much more_

_I can't stop dreaming, and thinking  
Maybe I could be someone different  
More than a trending article  
If I leave this, I'm riskin' almost everything  
Am I on the right road?_

_Out of the old  
I've gotta find my way  
Into the new  
Give anything it takes  
I wanna know  
If no one knew my name  
Would my wildest dreams feel like home?_

_If I go out of the old (ayo, ayo)  
And into the new (ayo, ayo)  
Out of the old (ayo, ayo)  
And into the new (ayo, ayo)_

_Yeah, I wanna know (ayo, ayo)  
If no one knew my name  
Would my wildest dreams feel like home?  
Out of the old_

_I wish these streets were still enough for me  
I wish this town could give me everything  
But I still feel stopped while every light turns green  
Why can't I let it go?_

_I can't stop dreaming, and thinking  
Maybe I could be someone different  
More than a trending article  
Leavin' all this, I'm riskin' almost everything  
But there's only one road_

_Out of the old  
I've gotta find my way  
Into the new  
Give anything it takes_

_I wanna know  
If no one knew my name  
Would my wildest dreams feel like home?  
If I go out of the old (ayo, ayo)  
And into the new (ayo, ayo)  
Out of the old (ayo, ayo)  
And into the new (ayo, ayo)_

_Yeah, I wanna know (ayo, ayo)  
If no one knew my name  
Would my wildest dreams feel like home? (Ayo, ayo)  
Out of the old (ayo, ayo)  
And into the new (ayo, ayo)  
Take me out of the old (ayo, ayo)  
And into the new (ayo, ayo)_

The song flooded him with memories of LA. He thought about the nights when his parents were out late and how small and vulnerable he felt. He thought about the years of panic attacks and the nights he cried himself to sleep. The court case and how it felt like everything was getting better only to end up getting so much worse. Then there was Beck and Daniel and how he did not want to see them because he knew even they would not be able to help him anymore. 

Ricky let out a sigh, feeling the energy leaving his body. He stared at the page covered in his messy handwriting and grabbed a pen to cross out “trending article.” After considering for a moment, he wrote “yearbook memory” above it, thinking it made it sound a little more relatable to everyone else, and a little less personal to him.

Ricky’s thoughts wandered back to Nini and the way her song had captivated him earlier. He thought about the way she was always laughing and her rose tinted cheeks. Ricky came to the realisation he was less worried about Nini finding out about the abuse and more about her not wanting to get to know him the way he wanted her to. This made his anxiety worsen. _Is it so wrong that I just want her to like me? The_ real _me?_ He tried to reason to himself that it was okay to want friends to like him for him and not his Dad, especially if his Dad was their inspiration. But a part of him was doubtful about whether all he was worried about was losing a "friend." He pushed the thought to the back of his mind, not wanting to deal with anything of the sort. Instead he got up to join his family downstairs for dinner. 

***

The next day during lunch Ricky went to find Nini. She was at the table with Steph and the other girls. He waved at everyone and flashed a smile as a greeting as he walked over to Nini.

“Hey can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked Nini.

“Sure, what’s up?” she replied, already getting up.

Ricky grabbed her arm and moved back a few steps away from the table to get some privacy. When he caught Nini look down at where his fingers met her skin, he pulled back, apologising. Nini only shook her head as if to say it was no problem.

“Look I know the audition is tomorrow and I know I said I would consider auditioning –” Ricky started.

“It’s okay Ricky. I don’t think I am going for the lead,” Nini interrupted.

“What? Why?” Ricky asked, the shock evident on his face and in his voice.

“I just don’t think there is any point me doing it. Like I said, Gina always gets the lead and she’s a much better singer, dancer and actress than I am.”

“Nini,” he started, stepping closer to her and grabbing her hand in his. He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. “You are an _amazing_ singer. You’re not losing anything by auditioning. You never know.”

Ricky couldn’t ignore the way his heart felt like it was falling out of his chest when he realised how close he was standing and how soft Nini’s hand felt in his, or how wide her eyes looked as she looked up to him and the way her cheeks were tinted that pretty pink again.

He let go of her hand then, trying to calm himself down. _What is fucking wrong with you Ricky? You barley know her._ He pushed on, ignoring Nini’s face for a moment and the way his own heart beat was picking up. He just needed to get out what he came to tell her.

“I’ll audition for a part. I want to help with the music. I enjoy writing and singing and stuff so this will be much better suited for me than going for an acting role.” Nini broke into a grin then and Ricky felt his heart ease a little.

“If that’s what you’d rather go for then I support you a hundred percent,” she paused then. “Okay, I think I’ll go for the lead but only if you meet me after school tomorrow so we can go to the auditions together?”

Ricky let out a laugh and nodded. “Yes, that would be good. Not even sure where I need to go to be honest.”

“Oh, I should tell you. If you want to help with the music then you will probably need to perform an original song.”

“I’ll see you after school then. Same place,” he winked before walking away.

***

“You are incredible,” Nini gushed, her eyes wide again. “That was beautiful. Is it about moving to Albuquerque?”

When Ricky only nodded in response she pushed further. “So… why did you move to Albuquerque?” Ricky stopped for a second. He felt his heart rate pick up at the question. Ricky put his guitar down and looked over at Nini who sat on a chair next to his. He considered making up a lie about his parents having to move for work or something but he decided against it for two reasons. One, he was not sure if Steph had already said something that he might contradict. And two, he did not want to lie to her.

“LA couldn’t give me what I needed anymore,” he said sincerely. Vaguely? Yes. But sincerely? Yes.

“And what did you need?” she asked. Her voice was small, full of hesitance. Ricky didn’t want to answer her but the way her body was facing towards him and her face was cocked a little to the side in curiosity made him change his mind.

“My family and I were going through a hard time, I guess. I think we just needed a fresh start. And I just wanted some time to figure out who I want to be.”

“And how’s that going?” Nini asked with a small smile.

“I’m auditioning to help with the music for the school musical by singing an original song. Don’t know if I have figured it all out just yet but I am definitely doing some things I couldn’t imagine myself doing a few months ago,” he laughed. 


	6. Chapter 6

“So you’re auditioning for the school musical?”

“Just to help with the music.” Ricky paused. “Are you judging me?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, obviously hurt.

“No, no,” Tony replied quickly. “I am not _judging_ you. I am just surprised.”

“Right,” Ricky scoffed.

“No, I am serious. It’s just you were quite adamant you did not want to be involved when Steph and I suggested you should on your first day. I am just proud of you.”

Ricky gave Tony a lopsided grin then. “Thanks. It’s just some behind the scene stuff though.”

Tony shrugged. “So… is there anything you can’t do?” he laughed.

Ricky turned his back to Tony, taking his t-shirt off and grabbing his basketball jersey from his locker. “Very funny. We all know how terrible I am at Math.”

“Your “terrible” is what people who aren’t perfect pray for.” Ricky let out a small laugh.

“On a serious note,” he said turning around as he put his jersey on. “I’m kind of freaking out about having to sing an original song.”

“You’ll be okay. You’re great. I’ve heard some your stuff,” Tony said as he put his jersey on too.

“I-I don’t know. I was trying to fix this song for my Creative Writing class and I’m thinking about auditioning with it. It’s just… it was written about leaving LA and coming here…” Ricky confessed.

“Oh…” Tony raised his eyebrows, a cheeky grin on his face. “So do you admit your Dad is this _huge_ movie star and you changed your name and moved to a different state?”

“Oh yeah,” Ricky responds with a nod. “And about the trial and the abuse and everything,” the sarcasm dripping from his lips. “It’s not that,” he said after a moment. “I just don’t know if I’ll be able to hold myself together.”

“Then don’t,” Tony shrugged. “They’ll love the drama. Might cast you as the lead.”

“I’m not even going for a role, Tony. And can you ever be serious?” But Ricky was not mad. This was typical Tony for you. 

“I am. Take EJ out, he needs that ego bruised,” Tony said still grinning. When Ricky only gave him a confused look he decided to actually be serious. “I think you’ll be great. If you connect with the song then everyone will be able to see how good of a songwriter you are. You’ll be able to capture the emotion behind it.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Ricky sighed.

“Emotions are not a weakness, Ricky. They’re a strength. Use them,” Tony said very matter of factly, with his eyebrows raised.

 _Not when you have this many_ , Ricky thought, closing his locker. They were running late for basketball practice. The rest of the locker room was empty, everyone already inside. "Let's go before your Dad gets angry."

“It's coach to you," Tony said firmly making Ricky roll his eyes. "I really hope EJ did not hear me tell you to take him out – with that ego he will think I meant on a date.” Tony said as they were leaving.

“Stop it, Tony, you ass,” Ricky laughed.

***

Although Ricky knew there was some truth in Tony’s advice he couldn’t get past the nerves of breaking down in front of everyone. The thing is, he was tired of always being so vulnerable. It was exhausting. It made him feel weak. And usually nothing much came out of it, so there was never any point putting himself out there like that anyway.

Singing a song about how you feel was even more difficult than talking about how you feel. There is something about getting lost in the music. Something about the way the music courses through you, speaking to you. Ricky hadn’t performed in front of an audience in years, so connecting with this song in front of a bunch of people he barely knew terrified him.

Ricky met with Nini after school. He had asked Tony and Steph to come along too, "for support." But once they had arrived to the theatre he convinced them to sign up for the crew. “For support,” he had said again, to which Tony had replied “if you need support, get a cane bro.”

Miss Jenn entered onto the stage with who Ricky later found out was Carlos, the choreographer, by her side. She welcomed everyone for being there and talked about the chosen Musical for the year, the _Beauty and the Beast_.

Miss Jenn spoke loudly, “let’s begin! Please stand up and say your name and what role you will be auditioning for.”

EJ was first. He stood up and introduced himself. “EJ Caswell for Beast,” he said confidently into the theatre.

“You’ve got that right,” Tony muttered, who was sitting next to Ricky. Ricky turned to look at him, giving him a confused look.

“What’s wrong with you?” he whispered.

“I’ll tell you later,” Tony whispered back, shaking his head.

EJ sang well and he read his lines out fine, but Ricky couldn’t help noticing the way he came across as a little awkward and rigid on stage. Like he was uncomfortable in skin. He was still good though, much better than the guy who auditioned after him.

After the auditions for the beast were over, it was Nini’s turn. “Nini Salazar-Roberts for Belle,” she said, her voice a little shaky.

It was now Ricky’s turn to say “you’ve got that right,” and Tony’s turn to look over at him with a confused look on his face. Ricky looked back with an innocent look plastered on his face. “what?” he mouthed, shrugging his shoulders.

“I can’t believe this,” Tony murmured, shaking his head. “Dragged me here for a girl?” he whispered, angrily.

Ricky didn’t respond, waiting patiently for Nini to begin. Nini auditioned with the song she had sung for Ricky earlier in the week and to say everyone was impressed was an understatement. Even Tony clapped enthusiastically for her after she was done, his eyebrows raised. Although Ricky had heard her sing the song before, he was still blown away. But instead of being caught in Nini’s voice and her control and range, Ricky found himself getting lost in the lyrics this time. Maybe it was just because he knew what he would be singing soon and the feelings of leaving LA were swarming inside him, but Ricky could feel himself getting emotional already. 

There were several other people to audition after Nini, including Gina who contested for Belle. Gina was good too, but she did not have the emotion and passion that Nini had when she sang, and Ricky really hoped Nini would get the lead. When all the auditions finally came to an end it was Ricky’s turn to sing. Before coming he felt kind of weird having to audition for a non-acting role, but with the way Miss Jenn was running things around here, all spectacular and over the top, he was no longer surprised.

“My name is Ricky, and I am wanting to help with music,” he said.

“Last name, Ricky?” Miss Jenn asked. Ricky’s instinct was to reply with “Bolton,” but he quickly caught himself.

“Bowen.” In that moment Ricky thought about his parents and how they sang together on the same stage all those years ago.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Miss Jenn smiled.

Ricky turned his attention to his guitar as he put it over his shoulder. He focused on the weight of it in his hands, grounding him to the stage. Ricky took a deep breath, his fingers finding their way to the strings. A moment later when he began singing the first line, standing in the centre of the stage and looking out to the people sitting in the theatre, his thoughts did not make him wander back to leaving LA like he thought they would.

_Feels like I'm not where I'm supposed to be  
I don't fit in with these familiar faces_

Instead, Ricky wondered whether standing on stage, at his parent’s high school in Albuquerque was where he was supposed to be. The thought lasted a brief moment; Ricky quickly pushing it to the back of his mind. The overwhelming thoughts and emotions associated with the trial and the move flooding back the further he sang along. 

_Out of the old  
I've gotta find my way  
Into the new  
Give anything it takes  
I wanna know  
If no one knew my name  
Would my wildest dreams feel like home?_

His voice cracked at the word “name,” thinking about how he almost said his last name was Bolton. He felt slightly guilty for questioning whether being in Albuquerque was where he was meant to be when at one point that was all he wanted; to start over. And this was his chance. 

Singing his emotions out on stage made Ricky feel like a speck of dust; a single star in the night sky; a dot on an empty canvas. But he did not hate it. There was something empowering about it. Like that moment in time was the only one that mattered. Life had a million things happening at once and it was nice just being present. Being human. It was like Ricky could feel the heaviness in his chest he was so used to carrying around with him finally lifting.

When he finished singing he looked up and realised people were looking at him the way he was sure he looked at Nini when she performed. Mesmerised. His eyes locked with Nini and he swore they looked like they were glistening. _Oh baby, if only you knew_ , he thought. She had a smile on her face and Ricky couldn’t help press a small smile back. Tony was the first to say anything, letting out an “oh my god Ricky I love you, I’m your biggest fan!” in a high pitched voice, making everyone laugh including Ricky, who bowed his head to hide the faint blush on his cheeks from all the attention being on him. 

“Did you write that song yourself, Ricky?” Miss Jenn asked when everyone settled down. Ricky nodded in response. “Ricky, honey, why are you not going for a role?”

“I just have too much on my plate right now,” Ricky shrugged. “I’ve just transferred to East High…”

“I think you’re too talented to not include in the musical, Ricky. You should consider going for a role and let me know when you make up your mind.”

“I don’t need to consider anything,” he said shaking his head. “I don’t want to go for a role.”

“I won’t accept an answer until Monday after school,” Miss Jenn said sternly. “I expect you to think very hard about it over the weekend.” She then turned to the rest of the people in the theatre, “okay that is a wrap. Cast list will be out on Tuesday! Have a good weekend everybody!”

Ricky rolled his eyes; he was adamant he did not want to go for a role so he did not understand why she was making him wait until Monday to tell her. He turned to make his way down the stage to meet with Tony but was stopped by Gina.

“I think you had the best audition,” she smiled.

“Really?” Ricky said, showcasing exaggerated surprise. “I thought Nini did,” he smirked, knowing he was hitting her where it hurt most. He did not miss the way her face fell and the worst bit was, he did not even feel bad. Ricky liked to think he was a good person. But more than anything else he was loyal. If that made him less of a nice person, he did not care. “Excuse me, I have to go.” He walked over to Tony, Steph and Nini.

“You did amazing!” Nini exclaimed.

“So did you,” Ricky gave her a small smile as he packed away his guitar.

“Are you going to go for a role like Miss Jenn said you should?” Steph asked. Ricky turned to her look at her, evidently annoyed.

“Are you deaf?” he asked. “I already said no.”

“Miss Jenn said to think very hard about it over the weekend,” she stated in a sassy matter-of-fact tone. “I think you should,” she added.

“Me too,” Nini smiled.

Ricky did not respond to either of them. He picked up his stuff and gave Tony a pointed look. “I need to talk to you.” He walked past him. Tony gave Steph and Nini a confused look, shrugging his shoulders and then turning around to follow Ricky.

“What’s up?” he asked.

Ricky turned to him. “No, you what’s up?” When Tony only looked at him confused he said, “About EJ. Aren’t you guys friends?”

“Oh,” Tony replied, his face illustrating his realisation. “He was talking shit about you.”

“What?” he turned to look at him; the hurt evident on his face.

“Look, it’s no big deal –”

“I don’t even _know_ the guy. I’ve spoken to him like twice.”

“Ricky, stop. He just said he thinks you try too hard to be cool. I wouldn’t think about it too much, he sounds threatened. Also, I was confused about why before… but now I know why.”

“Why he’s talking shit?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “It’s because you went and got a fucking crush on Nini.”

“I don’t have a –”

“Don’t _deny_ it,” he laughed. “You just signed up for this shit because of her. You dragged me here because of _her_. You looked like you jizzed your pants listening to her _sing_.” He paused to take in Ricky’s offended face. “Don’t get me wrong, she is good and all. It’s just, Ricky I _know_ you. With moving here and catching up on school and basketball season starting up, and don’t even get me started on everything else, the school musical is the last of your worries.”

“You’re the one who said I should sign up that first day.”

“And you said you had too much on and I listened. The only thing that has changed between that day and today is that you now have a crush.”

Ricky was quiet for a moment. He was not an idiot, he _knew_ he liked Nini. He just did not think it was so obvious to everyone else. He hadn’t even brought her up with anyone. But to be fair he did make that one comment just earlier. He sighed. “And what does this have to do with EJ? He likes her too?”

“Okay firstly, thanks for the confirmation,” Tony smirked. “And yeah. Since middle school.”

“I’m not going to do anything,” Ricky sighed. “He doesn’t need to worry.”

“What do you mean you’re not going to do anything? Like I said, take EJ _out_.”

“I am not looking to date, Tony, you know this. For all the reasons you just stated. Yeah I joined for her but only so she would audition for the lead. Not to ask her out or anything.”

“Are you kidding? You make me sign up for the school musical because of your lil’ crush and you aren’t even going to ask her out!? You just made this whole thing even lamer than it already was.”

“You can leave, no one is forcing you to stay.”

“Oh, I am staying. I said lamer but I'm not going anywhere. If I'm going to see this whole thing play out with you, EJ and Nini, I want front row seats.”

“Nothing is going to play out,” Ricky sighed, clearly annoyed at Tony.

“Yeah, well you don’t know EJ.”


End file.
